current mood: numb
current song: she wants revenge- these things
i've turned into an insomniac. every night is torture because i can't fall asleep. i watch tv and read to tire my eyes. and my eyes get tired. and then i try to sleep and i just can't. i turn over and back again. my mind races with so many thoughts and i can't get rid of them. i focus on every little sound in the room. joel breathing deeply or snoring, petey running on his wheel, the fan....and i can't let it go. i watch the minutes roll by. before long it's been an hour and a half and i'm still tossing and turning begging and willing to fall into the gentle clutchs of a deep sleep. filled with good dreams. full of hidden messages.
that is why i'm here now. i finished my book Eleanor Rigby, which was very good by the way. and i tossed and turned. listened to joel breathe, and stared at the ceiling for awhile. and i couldn't take it any more. now i'm blankly staring at the computer screen. wishing i could easily cuddle up in bed with my puppy and fall into a wonderful sleep. but i can never do that anymore and it's frustrating. what's wrong with me? i feel like i'm going crazy. my mind is racing like crazy, i can't relaxe, my heart is beating quickly. and joel enters a deep sleep moments after his head hits the pillow.
eventually i must just get so exhausted i just pass out. and i toss and turn through the early morning hours. i am awoken when joel leaves for work at 7:15, and then again at 10 when marilyn is ready to go outside, and then again at noon. it's not until the morning when i can finally fall into a comfortable sleep and then it's time for me to start preparing myself for a new day.
i'm sick of it. i'm tired of not getting any comfortable sleep. ever. it's taking its toll on me. and i don't know what to do.